Kibworth CC - 1st XI vs Narborough & Littlethorpe CC - 1st XI

 Match Report

Match report

Good morning KCC fans and welcome to this weeks FK match report. An unusually brief report, not because I actually have to do some work this Monday morning, but it was a relatively incident free Saturday in the sun.

Team news as always first of all. Jacko was unavailable as one of his milk teeth was a bit wobbly and he thought if it came out and he was playing cricket, he would miss the tooth fairy leaving 50p under his pillow. In truth he actually was having a wisdom tooth out and would come to watch part of the game. looking swollen and grotesquely deformed, which was nothing to do with his tooth. In for Jacko would be Spiro, who is actually a much better player than jacko anyway.

Other changes would be a break from shouting and screaming on the cricket pitch for POTS, who would be attending Glastonbury to shout and scream instead. Badger reliably informed us that this was the first league game POTS had missed since the age of 15, which was actually 176 consecutive games. The badger himself failed to understand how anything was remotely more important than playing cricket. (Which is why he is about to be single with no GF again!)

So in for POTS would come the buffoon that is Greg Smith. Chuckle 2 was back from University where he has been pretending to get some form of education, where he is actually just squandering his parents vast fortune and playing cricket, drinking heavily and chasing anything with a pulse. Same as Chuckle 1 did at Oakham.

Anyway, the rest of us had hung on to our places for another week, even the selector had kept faith in himself. It was debated long into last Monday night, but the Selectors ability to toss the coin and shake hands with the opposition captains has been tremendous so far this season, and for that reason, he retained his place.

Unusually FK was actually early and had even been into the changing room at 11am. Not to prepare his usual dressing room spot or to air his disgusting inners, but to place special name places next to the spots where his team mates change. Many of you will know that sports people are creatures of habits and layers sit in the same places every week. Even in the away dressing rooms, most settle in the same position. For those who are keen to know how this work out, it goes as follows:

Looking into the dressing room and looking left.:

Along the Window

FK- has the window sill for his various tablets, sprays and anti-ageing products. And nearest the open windows because his inners stink.

Down the left hand side:

POTS – Left corner next to FK.Nice and quiet

Badger – enough distance from POTS due to huge head circumference and height of bench suitable so it doesn’t touch the carpet when sitting post shower. Kit scattered everywhere

Clarkey – Goes for the Top shelf where there are Tupperware boxes laden with dry pasta and dead chicken. Hangs his radar here as often forgets to bring it out to bowl.

Tramp – Broughts has room for his bags of sweets. Space always left as he is always late.

Selector – In the middle (the only time he is likely to be this season now batting at 9ish)

Jacko – Hangs his silly shopping bag here. No towel. Never showers.

Chuckle 1 – Cobb Corner. Usually left, surrounded by crisp and chocolate wrappers and 4 empty pints of coke. Also must be the best part to receive mobile phone reception for the circa 400 texts each Saturday.



Along the back wall:

Ledge – His spot, nobody ever puts their kit here. Respect.

The Colonel – In the corner next to shower. Extra room for 27 metres of bandages

Along the right hand side wall:

Dips – Organised and sensible. Always left vacant due to lateness.

Stringfellow – Bats, gay fielding gloves. Unused hook for towel. Express checkout area. Spot cleared and vacated 8 mins after the game finishes.

Please feel free to look at the images representing these players. None are flattering and all self explanatory to anyone following the match reports.

Next for the weekly Sweet update. Anyone old enough will remember the small bracelets or necklaces on stretchy string that are made up various candy beads of assorted colours and flavours. Yes sweet fans, these were this weeks selection. Cobb would be seen wearing his in necklace fashion at 1st slip and munching away.

The selector had won the toss and elected.to bowl. Newly promoted Narborough have found the prem tough but have a great team spirit and some good young players. Always a danger is former KCC allrounder Mick Whitmore, one of the classiest bats in Leicestershire cricket for many years and Overseas “bruce” Groblar.


Tramp and the Colonel opened up and both bowled very well, unlucky not to pick up a nick to FK as they beat the bat of Wooloff and Whitmore many times. The colonel sliding them away and tramp pegging wooloff back with some hostile pace and regs broughts aggression.

After 8 overs there were only 10 runs on the board with 4 being an outside edge and it looked like the selectors boys would be in the box seats with a 180 max target. Wolloof was bowled by the colonel and it would then be a steady partner ship that would accelerate the total for a good 10 overs. After 20 overs they had posted over 70 with the loss of 1 wicket and South african allrounder still to come in. Indeed when number 3 eventually perished, he would partner whitmore and frustrate the KCC boys. Looking very comfortable, Groblar melted some well timed boundaries and in the 27 degree heat it was tough work at fleckney raod for the fielding side. The selector juggled the bowling to try and break up the partnership and eventually it would be
Clarkey who would turn the game as groblar “got confused by the straight one – Clarkeys words not mine!) and punched it to be caught by Dips. (I think?)

Ledge and Cobby bowled in Tandem. Both also in tandem not turning any. Not true, actually ledge turned a few, Cobb absolutely barrel straight! Some distinctly average fielding this week in the heat frustrated the selector, who himself was outstanding at short midwicket and gaining himself friction burns to his elbows and knees. As the selector is now single again (its not you it’s me!), it may be sometime before any other activities create the same skin related injuries. The Selector was plus 8 at least, where we were probably as a team minus 20, but sometimes it goes that way and especially in the heat.

Faith and persistence paid off as wickets would come at regular intervals, but some decent strikes and a bit of luck would see the original 180 target passed and the second 200 target passed. At 7 down and 2 bowling points the innings would close at 231 for 7 and what was an absolute road and lightening outfit, would hopefully be 25-30 runs short for the visitors.

Tea taken and plenty of water taken on board.

Stringfellow and the badger would continue their weekly partnership against the lively attack of county man Masters and slippy Whitmore D. The badger was relishing the pace onto the bat and must have been feeling particularly up for it, when before the innings Cobb imparted wise words of support and a good luck pat on the helmet. What the badger didn’t know, was that this was not a genuine demonstration of team morale, but the excuse for Cobb to apply the badger sticker to the badgers helmet, who would bat his short innings with his name emblazoned on his large blue heed.

Master would indeed look to have some decent wheels, but it would be Whitmore who would remove the unlucky badger from proceedings. Thrashing his bat into his front pad, the ball skimmed seeming one bounce into the keepers glove and the badger was judged caught behind. Doubly unlucky for the badger who a) claimed he hadn’t touched it and would have walked if he had (REGS!!!) and b) Ledge reckoned it may not have carried anyway.

So the badgers season of luck in the league would poke it’s head up once more and the sympathetic smirks and grins as the badger muttered obscenities at the top of his voice in the changing room, from his team mates would provide further amusement later on.

Having had pad rash in his previous outing, greg would slide in ahead of Dips at 3 with Cobb at 4. Stringy and Chuckle looked good together, clearly not in the looks department, but in the batting solidity version. Greg (Durham University captain Smith – yes I know, who on earth would give the most irresponsible man on the planet since a BP engineer said “don’t worry, it’s just a couple of blobs of oil, nobody will notice!) the job of captain, is beyond us all.

Stringy looked good for 41 but nicked off (I think!) . Unlucky as the oppo keeper had borrowed Fido’s dinner plates for most of the game. That brought text and sex pest together and the future of Leicestershire County cricket Club for the coming years. Having these 2 together is normally as dangerous leaving stringy to drive in the dark without lights on, or Abbo in the presence of a free bar.

The balcony is a great place to watch the game and not only can you see the action, but hear what’s going on, whether on the pitch or from supporters of home and away teams. The badger still seething from his injustice hadn’t had the calming influence of POTS to walk 32 times round the boundary with and calm down and so was still incandescent with rage. While this just provided more amusement for FK and the selector, the opening bowler at fine leg who claimed his wicket, was chatting with the narborough faithful who had been climbing into the Kronenbourg with Abboesque regularity. “It’s about time we had a bit of luck” was the phrase overheard. FK and the selector calmy discussed the several plumb LBW’s that had bee turned down during our bowling stint and that perhaps the narborough discussion was perhaps a little blinkered and one sided. The badger had also heard this comment and in a torrent of “F” Bombs, stomped into the dressing room to let of steam and at least 1 “c” Bomb. The Ledge who was sitting near to the debating narborough chaps found it hilarious as did the rest of us and the badger emerged to take broughts (substitute POTS walking partner) round the ground to go over the dismissal about 63 times. (Not since the Guildford 4 has such a travesty of justice taken place)

Greg in between playing and missing looked in top form, as did Cobb who was venting his non batting in 20:20 cricket frustration on the narborough bowlers. Groblar was in the unusual position of getting zero respect and cobb planted him over the pavilion into the pond for a sizeable six. Greg had a sharp chance dropped at first slip of masters, to then smash the next short one for 4 to rub salt in it further. The Narborough boys found it tough going in the heat as the ball disappeared every slightly off line delivery. Both passed 50, with Cobb catching Greg as he looked to dominate the spinner. The target was whittled down quickly, with returning openers Whitmore d and masters having one last blast, but the extra pace and bounce suited the chuckle brothers and the target was reached with 13 overs to spare.

The post match events were regs. Before Cobb had removed his pads, Stringy had packed and gone. FK was on his second lager in the changing room, Badger was still talking through the dismissal, Cobb was texting and Ledge was perfectly organised and showered.

Without bowling narborough out, we would be several points short despite a win and hopefully results elsewhere would help the cause. The selector text me drunkenly on Sunday morning to inform me we were top, with both Kegworth and Sileby losing. A delighted FK replied only for the Selector to forget that Syston were actually top and that he forgot about them.

Next weeks away game at Lutterworth becomes even bigger and perhaps trickier for the selector as Scarecrow returns from Uni and POTS is back from Festival duties. This could be the week he does the decent things and as we have all suspected, stands down honourably for the good of the team and the club. (just kidding!)