Leicester Ivanhoe CC - 1st XI vs Kibworth CC - 1st XI

Match Report 

Result: Kibworth CC - 1st XI Won by 107 runs

Match report

Saturday’s back to back away game for the 1’s, saw a visit to Leicester Forest East and the hopes of another victory to maintain the recent good winning streak. Kegworth remained at the top of the table and have had the fortune not to have a fixture abandoned this season, which has helped their points total.

Team news saw an unchanged side and despite his shocking fielding display, Jacko kept his place and with the scarecrow still up north, FK dragged his stinking inners along 25 mins before the start of the game (regs! Before anyone else says it)

Ivanhoe clearly know their wicket well and when winning the toss, certainly didn’t want to bat on it first, so it was back to the changing rooms for the pre-match banter.

Broughts continues to please his team mates with his regaulr selection of swwets. For the confectionery officionados out there, this weeks saw the remains of last weeks fruit jellies and a new bag of sour cherry cola bottles.

Cobb never normally last in the queue for sweets (for the newer players at the club, he was also nicknamed “Tuckshop” as his cricket bag was like a cadbury’s warehouse) was the first into the bag, followed by Jacko. Cobb demolished his like a pro and jacko face meant he had either smelt FK’s inners or he wasn’t a fan of this weeks sweet.

The team all changed into their whites ( YES FIDO, THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT OF THE 4 TEAMS PLAYING FOR KCC ON SATURDAY, 43 OF US BROUGHT ALONG WITH US. YOU COMPLETE AR*E!)

Office Jockey FK clearly has too much down time and had created some new badger posters. A fortunate google search found a cartoon image of 11 badgers in a field, altered to sport KCC badges. The badger theme has now extended to the entire team and we are all now happy busy badgers in the field, led by the King Badger, Craven.

Ivanhoe team news saw only 1 real Ivanhoe stalwart take the field in Karl Geary and the absence of Shiv and Ward, Ivanhoes key men in their previous weeks victory. The usual due of the badger and Burty “jimmy saville hair” would of course form the opening partnership. When I say partnership, you obviously think of 2 people working hard together and forming something positive. Burty, fresh from a televised appearance as 12’ers for the Bears 20:20 game, hadn’t got that part of the message and trudged slowly back to the pavilion for an unusual failure, without troubling Geoff Lee in the scorebox.

Dips was in at 3. He had asked jacko to source him a new bat the previous week and in true form, The Experiment brought along a selection of willows for the Dipper to pick from. Jacko’s bat the Gray Nicholls Stupid Shot Pro, was too heavy for dips, so he carried on with his current blade and would make his choice later on in the day.


The temperature plummeted as the boys found shelter huddled to the side of the pavilion, with bags emptied to find any form of additional clothing layers to keep out the icy wind. Faithful George the Burtons Black Labrador, would try and ease the cold by letting out warm gas every 5 minutes. Cobb still preferred this to changing next to FK and his rotten inners.

The badger and the Dipper looked in good form. Dips nurdled and guided and the badger was regs badger and a good partnership started to build. Some well timed boundaries by both and we were soon 60 odd for 1 in just over 10 overs.

Whilst well out of earshot at the crease, a full evaluation of the badgers GF could be undertaken. So far GF appearances have been made by Burty’s GF (100% attendance at all games burty has played in this season) Clarkey’s GF (1 appearance dissapointly not more than this and without bring along her sister, which we have been reliably informed is a treat) and the current mrs badger on her second appearance having arrived on horseback.

This killed some time for Cobb, FK, Former captain and now selector Pedro, Jackson, broughts and burty. POTS was also there but as he has taken a vow of silence (like about 4 do everytime we field!) , did not comment.

The badger hates missing out on the banter and decided to depart. I cant remember how to be honest, but it was probably caught somewhere on the legside.

Chuckle Cobb managed to put his phone down long enough to go for a bat and the boys were reminded just why its his day job as he stamped his class on the game and wasn’t long before an neffortless straight drive cleared the ropes for a maximum. He would soon lose the services of Dips, who was batting without spikes. Burty ever the sensible, saw that the dipper had left his spikes in the barrow changing room and made sure he picked them up and then put them in his garage. (where they still are!!!) But at least Dips had the rest of his playing gear (unlike fido who is adopted and not related to me at all. Sorry Wilko!)

Cobb would be joined by POTS, which was a relief for the lads as it gave us a break from his constant chatting. This was perhaps the most perfect pairing since the Keely Hazel edition of FHM. Why POTS hasn’t played first class cricket is a bit of a mystery to most.

The got on top of the Ivanhoe bowling who had no answers and Cobb past 50 and it looked like 250-265 was on the cards with wickets in hand. The selector continued to slide himself down the order and was nearing the depths of broughts and FK territory. With Cobb spooning one and out on 70 odd, Jacko would busy himself with POTS and unusually jacko looked really good. (no it not a joke! He really did) Jacko used to be the best fielder in the club and has lost that mantle to POTS and was possibly looking to show the loudmouth POTS that he was also once a decent allrounder.

He did a great job and we were on the way to our biggest leage tally batting 1st, until a brisk fall of wickets meant that we then had to get a scamper on and the last 7 overs saw the selector eventually get to the crease. Not a bad number 9 some would say (Obviously not me, as the selector has got the yips and needs to strap a pair on and man up and get himself in at 3 or 4 and show why he made so many runs last year!)

Anyway, FK even had his pads on as Broughts whirled away. The selector perished to a fortunate catch as he nailed one through square leg and we rallied to 230 for 9, perhaps 20 short, but on a wicket that was variable with the emphasis on the low side, it was a good first half.

Tea is one of the most important parts of a cricketers day and most are notoriously fussy and picky about tea and much time is spent talking about where the best teas are etc etc. Cobb doesn’t play that game, because he admitted they get things like bangers and mash and roast dinners etc. So it was into the pavilion for tea. It was a vegetarians paradise, as a plethora of salad and rice combos filled the table. It was packed with nutrition, vitamins and minerals and actually was probably the best lunch for a cricketer. However we aren’t proper cricketers and sighs about the lack of a cheese sandwich or a quiche or pork pie and cake filled the pavilion. Cobb and FK made a daring raid on the solitary plate of choccie biscuits and scoffed the remaining 6. The badger loaded up on buttered bread while POTS made an angry tirade at the oppo tea lady. Just like KCC, there are 2 home games each week at Ivanhoe and the 3rd teams tea looked much more appealing. Cobb tried to be-friend some youths in exchange for a scotch egg but failed. He would however make the short journey to Cobb Towers, returning with assorted long sleeved garments as everyone had underclubbed on the cold weather attire. (opposed to completely underclubbing and not bringing any kit with you at all like Fido. Dumbo!)

So with a hunger to take wickets and a hunger, the boys took the field. Jacko filled his pockets with sweets.

Aamir steamed in from the rugby ground end and broughts flew in from the other. Variable bounce cuased a bit of concern as FK would get them either at ankle or nose height, with not much in between for most of the innings. An early wicket clean bowled by The colonel and the boys felt good. Good fielding standards helped the momentum and the selector moved his field with precision as he looked to contribute to the day. The badger, FK, Jackosn and Cobb looked on in amusement as a 5 minute discussion between the selector and the colonel was clearly part of a strategic plan. The plan must have been to move dips from midwicket into the offside and then bowl a rubbish short legside delivery which was hammered for 4, because that’s what happened! Much chuckling from behind the wicket from the usual suspects as the selector looked away to give some daggers to the colonel.

The twigg brothers (again not some sort of gag, but their actual surnames!) batted sensibly and survived a couple of LBW shouts. FK chirped that they were only in the side making up the numbers until Shiv and Ward came back. (Hark at him, pot calling kettle, people in glass houses etc etc!!!!)

Anyway. Broughts and aamir tried to bring in the number 4, but a double change would see clarkey charge in and after a hesitant start, got some rhythm going and beat the bat with a few pearlers and some fiery stuff which pushed FK, cobb and Jackson back a few yards. He would pick up a couple, but it would be the fast non spinning spinners from Cobb at the other end, which would start the Ivanhoe downfall. He would eventually bowl 14 overs, a feat he hasn’t achieved since a junior.

Clarkey picked up 1 from the other end as we would eventually take 4 wickets courtesy of LBW’s on the low bouncing track. Tigers man Vesty perhaps a tad unlucky as one sliding down leg was given, with a plumb shout from Clarkey previously turned down.

Cobb bowled well, even bringing out the quicker ball, to go with the quicker ball he already can only bowl. A challenge was made by FK, for Cobb to try the Jacko “delay” ball. You know the silly one where he starts to bowl then freezes at point of delivery for what seems like 3 minutes and then bowls!. He pulled it off with style defeating the batsmen and hitting FK on the wrists as he was too busy laughing at the grinning Cobb.

With wickets falling and the score at 80 odd for 8. the colonel already with 4 wickets to his name, badgered the selector for 1 more over to get his michelle and had another go. The colonel took probably the most outrageous catch of the season at slip. (yes slip, where so far he has been about as effective as a 1 legged man in an ar*e kicking contest) Off the darts of cobb a underside edge at 80 miles an hour just landed in his hands, to the gasps of everyone else.

With 8 down, POTS would grab a wicket to leave us needing 1 more and with the Ivanhoe batter trying to farm the strike from the number 11 with a dodgy hamstring, there was clearly going to be a run out and some backing up to do at both ends. I say clearly because nobody told burty, as a throw from jacko at the non strikers end motored past him for 4 over throws and a double teapot from the selector.

Pots wrapped up the innings and Ivanhoe all out for about 117 I think and another maximum. Weekend results went largely our way and we now are in 3rd place Kegworth retain top slot with 144 points, Syston who won at the weekend courtesy of some Bloke called Saqlain getting a bagful in 2nd with 140 and us on 138.

The badger was the victim from a happy slapping incident involving FK which is currently being investigated by club officials.

A visit from second bottom narborough next week which shouldn’t be taken lightly, as the second team know from last season that south African allrounder Groblar is a serious player

On a final note, Fido is a fool. Sorry Wilko! Just to top off his performance, Fido having been given strict instruction from his mother before his clothing debacle to be home at 9.30pm, drifted in at 9.55pm, with the excuse that he saw me at the club and was waiting for me. Not much of an excuse when I got back at 8.45pm. Not content with that, on opening the front door in the morning, his mother discovered a full Fido kit bag which he had left on the road overnight.!!!

Where were the condoms in 1995!!!!!