Match Report

Just like the selector being disorganised and calm and relaxed, or FK arriving on time or the badger having no interest in his own batting statistics over the last 7 years, the unusual part about this weeks reports, is the ability to discuss not just 1 win but 2.

The team news for Saturdays clash against Sileby would see Matt Holyland replace the Cricket touring catalyst. For all those previous tourists out there, you know how a few well engineered games of cricket are the cornerstone of what is basically a travelling army of drinkers, using the cricket to have something to take the mickey out of each other for and generate fines and to have storoes to tell everyuone for years to come and to have t-shirts dating back to the early 2000’s. Not on a medbourne c.c tour. This involves 8 blokes playing golf for a week, with not a pair of whites in sight, unless you count the catalysts poulteresque golfing attire.

Sileby were without the service of former kcc man Naik still in Glamorgan with the County. Kibworth retained the services of unfancied Greg Smith, who was desperate to play for the club and really get stuck in. Greg had been texting his kcc clubmates all day on Sunday, as he was gagging to find out of they had got through in the cup semi. Greg was gutted to not be able to be there, so kept in touch all day via text.

Anyway, back to Saturday. It was a warm muggy day as the boys arrived at sileby Of course without FK. This weeks excuse for being late involved Fido. Well it would as he is the cause of most of FK’s traumas. The second best keeper in the family decided that on waking up, he would get on with some household chores and contribute to helping around the house as all he had done all week was be taken to cricket matches and played golf, all funded by his mother. Only fair he decided that in return he would pitch in before sticking out his hand for his match fees, demanding a packed lunch and then leaving the house.
What he actually did was lie in his bed all morning on his mothers laptop, in his defence “I was on you tube”. But what he managed to do was to crash all the internal house wireless network settings, throwing the house system back 10 years. FK was summoned to repair the damage and after re-installing everything at least once, reset the matthew families electronic communication with the outside world. During this time, fido had cleared off to cricket, leaving carnage behind him as reg’s and a stressed FK to try and get over to sileby with 23 miles in his tank and needing a cash machine. Don’t worry Fido, let us know when the earth stops revolving around you! (fatherly rant over!)

The sileby track looked as green as Broughts normally does on a Sunday morning and hopefully Selector would win the toss and field. He didn’t win but Sileby elected to bat, giving the kcc boys the chance to have first digs on a green one. It would be the first outing for the new scorer, who was serving the first week of a nelson Mandela like sentence. Casually dressed in what most people would go out nightclubbing in, the colonel looked far to smart to be sitting inside a scorebox.

Without the colonel, it would be “It’s my bat and ball and I’m opening the bowling and batting” Burton who would take the new ball with a clean shaven broughts. Opening up for Sileby were former 5 game kcc wonder Javed and Gillett Gillett looked good early on and javed less patient than his 16 ball innings would suggest. He played and missed several from each end and if he did connect, found the livewire POTS each time. Javed would look to drive the bleached headed youth only to inside edge and play on. Perhaps there was something in the air at Sileby, but it was a strange Sunday friendly like atmosphere that overcame both sides. The usual intesnsity wasn’t there as especially FK was looking forward all week to Luke Gale playing in the Sileby ranks to keep him fired up. This wasn’t to be the case and no hate figure for the afternoon meant we had to have someone to dislike. It was an easy replacement we could pick on jacko, who would probably annoy at least the bowlers with some shocking fielding. He wouldn’t disapoint!.

The ledge was keen that discipline and strength of character be at the forefront of the days proceedings and a professional approach to the invigilators of truth and justice be done. FK warmly greeted both umpires Steve Horner and mel Smith who he has known from his many years on the circuit and surely that would cement the respect required for the officials. Of course it would, until jacko when asked to provide the opening bowlers name would change the mood instantly and get a serious glare from the ledge and few muttered expletives from 9 others. The bowler in question was actuallt Tom Burton and not Drew Peacock as advised by Jacko. I will let you lot work it out. Think “ a woman walked into the store one day and asked me for limp poultry… Limp Poultry, from the store! Limp Poultry she wanted …………

Anyway, Aadil had played 23 games already during the week scoring probably another 400 runs, Greg was tired after a whole week thinking about himself, FK and Selector were retail magnates in a Peter Jones & Duncan Bannatyne stylie, Spiro had been earmarked as the CEO of Leicestershire and the badger was looking weary having been trawling through 25 years of statistics to prove himself as the most prolific batsman ever to grace the premier league in the county, only to be told that had play cricket been live when the prem/1st division was in place, Spiro would have had more wickets than the badger had scored runs. Badger returned to his set to revisit his claim, to return with. “ well I have the highest average of any batsman called matthew with a 56” head circumference who has played for earl shilton, hinckley and Kibworth.” A feat never to be repeated I am sure.

Despite looking like he couldn’t stop a beach ball in a narrow corridor, jacko bowled really quite well. When I say bowl, I mean if you include his throwing and highly illegal action as legitimate bowling.

He would quickly remove number 3 Torr caught by POTS and keeper wootton who would block 26 balls for 4 runs before hitting 2 boundaries. He would fall LBW to jacko, to bring county man and colleague of Greg, Liam Kinch to the crease. Kinch’s previous 3 meetings with KCC had retuned 3 consecutives ducks and he would gain his 4th in a row, by trying to smash jacko through cover, to take a flying outside edge, taken magnificently by the badger at 1st slip. I would like to say it was a regulation catch, but in truth it was a hell of a take by the titanic headed former Hinckley self statistician. This would leave Sileby at 76 for 4 with Gillet still there on 43 and looking more comfortable by the over. Moore would add 30 odd with Gillet before the ledge intervened with one taken by POTS and the score 109 for 5. We needed to really drive the advantage home and what you need is to take every chance presented to you. Unless you are jacko and a simple pull shot down you neck on the boundary is made to look difficult as you move backwards instead of forward. On realising his error of judgment, jacko dived forward and belly flopped onto the turf, palming the ball onto the floor. Cue 10 people cursing the law enforcing bumpkin.

Captain Khan would become Stringy’s 2nd of the day in a good high catch held by Broughts and Micky Ruddle would be fooled by jackos seemingly nonchalant trot to retrieve a sweep and turned for what looked like a simple 3rd, only for jacko to put on the blue lights and sprint, collect the ball and wang it into the bowlers end to run him out by yards. A career spent making up false evidence and deceiving members of the public were put to good use as by going undercover for most of the game as a rubbish fielder, he fooled the opposition into thinking he was indeed some sort of joke fielder, hidden on the boundary out of the way, which is all true. It was an excellent bit of cricket to be honest. That was 172 for 7, with gillett passing a classy ton and then the returning broughts getting an edge taken by FK and a couple of late blows and Sileby closed on 186 for 8.

Tea as always features high on the agenda and the unusual sight of 2 tea men as opposed to tea ladies, stunned the KCC boys. The tea was immense and after FK completed his 5th Mini Bakewell tart, we retired to the viewing area to watch the most popular duet since torville & dean take to field once more.

The badger busied himself and was ready and waiting for Burty for about 15 minutes before play re-started. Managing to chat no doubt to the umpires about how many injustices he has suffered so far and how he is most definitely “a walker”.

It would be an impressive opening bowling attack that would restrict the badger to the 6th over before he would open his account. Despite a few swings of the willow which would put a ninja swordsman or drug crazed wii console player to shame. The badger as always likes to play “in the V”. Not the V that we all were taught as junior cricketers, but the badger version which is where you aim the front foot cover drive effortlessly past fine leg. You get the picture!

The partner ship would blossom like young love and would take us to halfway score sort of at 90, before the scary hair was bowled by Gillett. 22 runs later Craven would reach his half century, despite having been out ages before on one which he clearly nicked to slip and then claimed was a bump ball. I hope guilt consumes the badger and he writes a personal letter of apology to sileby asking for forgivness, for what can only be described as blatant cheating which needs to be stamped out of the game.

Greg batted for greg with great style, stopping between overs to think about himself and how to avoid further games for Kibworth. 5 x 4’s and an effortless 6 would see him take on his county colleague kinch, with bragging rights at stake. Kinch would find a 4th consecutive zero tough to brag about but surely the scalp of Greg Smith would be a prized one.

The selector was resisting his usual Saturday tango down the track followed by stumping. (he would save that for Sunday!) to bat sensibly. He continued to remove the signatures on the bat with some fine strokeplay and when Greg was caught behind, would partner Aadil “ seeing it like a watermelon “ Ali and the pair would bat immaculately and risk free to avoid the newly promoted number 8 FK from padding up.

After 40 overs the game was ours and a much needed morale boosting win secured. Burty completed his 13th game without a shower, FK shaved a winning Merv Smith moustache during the batting innings and the lads looked forward to a cup duel the following day.

Back to winning ways. Sorry must sign off now, I have a few missed calls and texts from greg asking me how we got on yesterday