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Monday night selection. The behind closed doors weekly bunfight that
decides if you are going to be playing at home in the Premier League
with the First Team or travelling to the Hamlet of Massey Ferguson in
Northamptonshire with the 4th’s. Have you ever wondered precisely
what goes on behind those closed doors? Well, you are not the only one
and we set ourselves the target of finding out.
Security was tight, the barman also served as the doorman and we
weren’t going to be messing with him, we had heard all about his
killer nurdle and were taking no chances. It was time for the fly on
the wall approach. Sometimes the pictures broke up from our secret
camera, and the sound wasn’t the greatest as the microphone was
hidden by a beer pump, but this is what we observed.
First to arrive is First Team Skipper Pedro Smiffy, shades on the
end of his nose and fully suited and booted. He’d either arrived
straight from work or an appointment at the Magistrates court. Under
his arm was his trusted jotter and pen so he could work out his side at
a moments notice. Whilst he waited for everyone else to arrive he
walked out to the square to inspect the wicket
Next was 4th Team Supremo Billy Piechucker. Probably with too
much time on his hands at work he came equipped with his side’s
batting and bowling averages, newly updated and printed out, and with a
pen to make notes. He wasn’t too interested in the wicket; his
bowling never usually needs it. He sits on the end of the bar and
watches the Test Match highlights.
The next two arrive quite closely together, second team vice
Captain Tom Mothercare and his Third Team equivalent Bob Bling. Their
respective skippers obviously unavailable so their sidekicks attend.
With all teams represented all now looks to be in place yet still
the meeting does not convene, who could they be waiting for? The clock
passed the appointed hour and all eyes turn to the car park to see a
silver motor appear through a cloud of dust, out gets a more seasoned
man with flecks of hair as grey as his motor. When this figure reaches
the group they all acknowledge the new arrival and sit around a table
in a corner of the bar. We’ll call this character ‘The
Boss’.
The boss says that due to the wet weather the previous weekend
there won’t be any reports of action to cover. At this point
Billy Piechucker points out his boys took the field and grabbed a
cheeky win before the rain came; he then sits back slightly smugly.
At this stage selection in earnest begins. Pedro Smiffy who has
been busy scribbling names on his jotter announces his preferred 11,
speaks briefly about his reasoning for what he has done, and then opens
the floor up for questions. Questions are few this week and the First
Team is agreed quite quickly. Pedro then sits back to pay his drink its
due attention until the Sunday sides come round for discussion. The
Boss makes notes in his big book.
The buck now passes to Tom Mothercare. His job is slightly more
complicated as availability appears to be not as good as previous weeks
and there are gaps to fill. Just when he thinks he is on the right
lines his mobile phones rings, more than once, with updates on players
from the Second Team skipper who is parked up in a lay-by somewhere.
Tom lists his regulars and then starts musing aloud as to who he
should take from the Third Team. With every name that is mentioned Bob
Bling’s brow is further furrowed as his proposed team is
dismantled in front of his eyes, Bob is now frantically crossing out
names from his list and improvising like there is no tomorrow . Further
round the table Billy Piechucker knows what this means for his side in
turn and he begins pulling his hair out and sobbing quietly.
After the now expected questioning it is time to think about the
Third Team. Bob Bling had a couple of vacancies to begin with but now
the Second Team have had their pick he has more spaces than the car
park at the latest plastic surgeons meeting of the Wayne Rooney
Appreciation Society. At this point The Boss has an obvious senior
moment and calls the meeting back to the Second Team as it
doesn’t have enough names in his book.
Returning to the Third Team it now becomes apparent that the
Fourth’s will be heavily raided to form a suitable eleven so
Billy Piechucker decides to fall on his sword nobly and begins
nominating his recent performers to give them a chance at the higher
level. Debate centres around one name that may or may not be available
but the name is finally included and a plan B discussed. The agreed
final team is repeated loudly to The Boss who writes it down in his big
book and then nods sagely.
All eyes now turn in the direction of Billy Piechucker whose team
from the last week has been scattered to the four winds. A senior
core to the side is agreed and then you are left to wonder how the rest
of the team will be made up.
Our camera then spins round and picks a newcomer; it looks very
much like Ian Oldboy who’s in heavily involved with the
burgeoning junior set up at the club. A succession of names are thrown
at Piechucker who appears now to have recovered from the rape and
pillage of his side. Some are obviously known to him but some are new
and so their respective specialities are listed. When the team is
settled and The Boss records the news for posterity it becomes apparent
that any victory celebration for this side will involve a trip to the
park rather than the local hostelry.
The rest of the meeting seems to fly by. The Sunday sides are
picked on the basis of the Saturday teams but with adjustments for
those who can’t/ won’t/ wouldn’t dare play two games
in a weekend. As soon as all is decided The Boss calls proceedings to a
halt and the four captains dive for their mobile phones. As the ringing
around and texting begins in earnest The Boss (with big book under his
arm) slips away into the fading evening light.
On reflection it was all a little disappointing really. No
blazing rows, no big poker hands to decide the fate of players, no
dodgy dealing, no smoky rooms and definitely no overturned tables and
fist fights with a crying woman in the corner screaming’”
Leave it, he’s not worth it”.
We all know from experience that horse trading goes on in the
week if and when players drop out as the Captains do the dirty on each
other, usually by text message. In reality though selection goes on
right through to Saturday afternoon until the teams take the field.
However the more we think back on what we have seen some questions
remain unanswered
Who is The Boss?What exactly does he write in that big book of
his?Do Lay-by’s add anything to the selection process?
Sadly though we are out of time to answer these questions. Join us next
week for another investigation
“IPA consumption and pitch preparation. An ideal
partnership?”