Fred Rumsey Pro Am - Barbados; November 2007
Report by 'Anonymous'
Before departing
Leicestershire I thought it would be a good idea to write a tour diary so that
I, and indeed everyone, could look back on the two weeks in the future. As a
result I excitedly stole a notepad from the stationary cupboard at work, picked
out my best fountain pen and made sure they were both packed in my hand
luggage. Great, everything in place I thought. Well unfortunately, I got bored
of writing the diary by the 4th day and my beloved fountain pen didn’t even
make it past the
Everyone appeared to arrive
at the Airport, in their separate ways, without too much fuss. There was a
minor alarm when the Evington / Bitteswell Bus driver overslept and then
decided to catch up on his sleep on the journey to the Airport (not an
exaggeration apparently) but at least everyone got there. Even Ferrars was on
time but this was sadly not to be upheld in the week to follow. Aamir raised
some concerns as we checked in. He was flaying his bat around, which he had as
loose luggage, and also confessed to having a whole suitcase of ‘things’ for
his friends in Barbados. ‘One for All and All for One’ my Arse. We all got as
far away from him as possible in case we got drawn into any complications.
Aamir wasn’t bothered though and he dealt with the situation as only he could.
He performed a few looseners, checked in, and then did the Aeroplane
celebration all the way to security (although he did stop for chicken and chips
on the way!).
As we landed in
Pedro – “Ferrars…….you turncoat, what are you doing talking to that t*sser” (he
chose his words carefully in case he called him that other word),
Biffa – “Ferbs……you’ve changed”
Hilly – Truffle, truffle, truffle, truffle etc…
The first few days flew by
without much to report. Days were spent in the pool or on the beach and
evenings (as of 1730) were spent drinking. The Apartment bar had a ‘Happy Hour’
from 1730 until 1900 every day which most people got stuck into. They may as
well have called it the ‘Make Abbo Happy Hour’ because he would appear at the
bar smartly dressed (well he had a polo shirt on with the obligatory orange or
blue shorts we are all accustomed to) at 1728 every day on the dot. You could
literally set your watch by him. If in the pool and unsure of the time it was you
can guarantee it was 1728 if Abbo was spotted strolling down from his apartment
with a big smile on his face. The ‘Make Abbo Happy Hour’ was obviously a
regular feature for the entire two weeks but I may as well cover it here now. A
psychologist would have had a field day. Even though a bottle of Banks normally
costs £1, as it was only 50p from 1730 many would not go to the bar from 1630
‘because it was Happy Hour soon.’ One night a senior member of the party
literally caught fire at around 1715 but happily burnt until 1730 before he
purchased a bottle of Banks to put out the flames. I am not one to name names
but he is a classy opening bat and we all know that Sunny doesn’t drink
Other than that people who
normally go AWOL when it’s their round were suddenly heard to say ‘anyone fancy
one?’ You would have had 2 gulps of your drink but still say yes because you
didn’t want to miss out. Pedro even bought his Dad a couple of drinks! Abbo,
who would average 5 Banks per half hour, was suddenly hearing better than an
Owl. His main comments all tour were ‘Pardon’ or ‘What’s that’ but someone
would offer someone else a drink on the other side of the Bar and you would
hear a bellowing ‘Yes please’ from far away. I think he just said ‘Yes please’
consistently from 1730 to 1900 whenever he saw someone else’s lips move, just
to be safe.
Monday night saw everyone
visit Harbour Lights, or Harborough Lights as Aamir called it. Although this is
the Islands Premier nightspot they also do a family show in the evening with food
and drink included in the entry fee (circa £25). Fire eaters, stilt men, monkey
men, limbo dancing, crowd participation etc. When the Limbo dancer
started walking the crowd everyone who had been there in 2004 suddenly made a
sharp exit because they knew what was coming. Everyone apart from Abbo, that
is, and he was soon up on stage making an ass out of himself. And after he had
finished doing that, he also danced with the limbo dancer! Thank you, I am here
all week. Aamir, who was quickly turning into the star of the tour, was not
only drinking but mixing them as well. Out of no where at one stage he appeared
on top of a small boat that was situated in the corner. When the bus took the
first lot home, Kibworth (or what was left of us) took over the stage. It must
have looked very strange to people who were just walking in as everyone danced
around a handbag throwing some massive shakes, sorry I mean shapes. And you all
think I am joking about the handbag but we really were. Who did it belong to?
Sharon, Lucy, Leanne…..? No, none of them. I’ll give you a clue, it belonged to
a classy opening bat and it was an expensive bag…….
That’s right, we all danced
around Sunny’s Burberry chavbag as if our life depended on it. What a mess.
Aamir was doing the limbo dancer ass shake (to a surprisingly good standard, it
has to be said) with balloons wrapped around his head and coming out of his
trousers like a tail. Broughts was snaking around like he was Keanu Reeves
dodging slow motion bullets in the Matrix. Hilly was dancing with Sharon Cobb.
Honest. Well I say dancing; more like he was being thrown around the stage by
Sharon who was reported as saying later that she ‘liked his smile.’ She must
have been doing something right because the rest of us havent seen him smile
since 2001, and that was rumoured to have been a grimace rather than a full on
smile. (I was thinking that I might need to lay of Hilly a bit but then
realized that he won’t be reading this so I can fill my boots!). Sunny was
taking at easy at this stage because none of his ‘moo-sic’ had come on yet (I
am not taking the mickey out of Hilly again, this is just how Sunny pronounces
‘music’) but then 50 cent came on and we all took cover as Sunny let loose with
an array of gun shots. Bang! Bang! Bang! It’s hard to explain exactly what he
does but he does it well and you will see many others from the tour doing it
again, only not so well, because it quickly became one of the trademark
signatures of the tour. The night flew by and although some got on the next bus
and some stayed out until 3am it was still one of the highlights of the tour.
This highlight followed on
from one of the lowlights. Some of you already know this but probably don’t
know the full story so I will try to tell it as best I can from what was
relayed to me. Broughts’ Banana Boat Beasting. Apparently a small group went up
the coast to
After shaking off the
hangovers and catching some more sun it was time to do it all over again. This
time it was the ‘Welcome Party’ at the Coach House (not the same one as 3 years
ago though). Typically Bajan that we had the Welcome Party on the 4th night but
we didn’t care, all we could think about was the free alcohol we were soon to
be consuming providing we could fight our way past Abbo and get to the bar.
Everyone was there apart from Ferrars, or Calamity as Spiro was starting to
call him. He had been a nightmare for the first few days and the following was
the icing on the cake. First, a bit of background. Three years ago he managed
to hit one lady, who wasn’t in the Kibworth tour party, on the head with a
tennis ball with what can only be named a one in a million shot. He remembered
this, we all remembered this, and you would have thought he would have behaved
himself around the pool this time around. You’d be wrong. He went to great
lengths to bring his football with him (he had to get it deflated before the
flight and then buy a pump at Gatwick so he could pump it back up afterwards)
and while this football caused great amusement (more of that later) it was also
a cause of concern. Ferrars could not resist getting out of the pool and
smacking the ball up in the air. What would he think would happen? What
possible good could come of this situation? They were questions anyone else
would pose before doing this, but not Ferrars. Not put off by landing the ball
on the bar and restaurant’s roof a couple of times he eventually did some
proper damage when he landed it on top of a sun umbrella just outside the bar.
For a couple of days Spiro led Ferrars to believe that the bill for the damage
was $100 bds and Ferrars bit big style. He managed to fix it himself and then
told reception that there was no need to charge him for the repair. The
receptionist was obviously far too polite to ask what the hell he was on about.
Another day he lost his passport and his money. He checked the safe, his bags
and turned the room upside down. He went to reception, spoke to the Manager,
got security involved and then they found them………..in the safe where he had
first looked for them!!!!!
So anyway back to Tuesday
night and Ferrars going AWOL. He had spent all day trying to get someone to go
surfing with him but no one fancied a 2 hour bus ride over to the east coast
only to get battered as a result. Everyone apart from Aamir that is, who
originally said yes but then changed his mind once he knew what surfing was! So
off Ferrars went, at approx 1400, on his lonesome, and come 2000 at the party
there was no sign of him and people were starting to get worried about him. All
sorts of horror stories were being concocted and the more rum that was drank,
the worse these stories got. Eventually the Tour Rep, Spiro, had had enough and
he called our Apartments. There had been a confirmed sighting of Ferrars and he
was happily tucked up in bed without a care in the World. SPACE CADET! When
everyone got back we found out that he had actually got himself into trouble
because he went out on his own, without an instructor, and there were some
strong currents. Have I mentioned that Ferrars has never actually been surfing
before? One current took him a long way out and it took him over an hour to
paddle back in, along with the help of some other surfers who were also out
there. Joking aside, he was pretty lucky to have come back at all.
Elsewhere on this night we
made friends with the opposition. Or at least, most of us did. Especially
Pedro, the two faced d*ck. Nadeem Shahid from Bromley was the one with enough
class to have noticed the hostility between the two groups and so came over and
broke the ice. We didn’t back down on Mees and both sides seemed to agree that
he was an idiot and stepped over the mark on the day. But then Mees came over
and he was also an annoyingly nice guy. I think we’d have all preferred him to
be an idiot off the pitch as well but he wasn’t. Enough about them for now,
this is a KCC review after all and I am sure anyone reading this now will not
actually want to believe that Bromley are an okay bunch. Sorry for ruining the
illusion.
After a night of free Rum
and Banks, what better way to spend a day than running around in 35 degrees
heat!? Well that’s what we did. The KCC players had been split into 3 teams but
I won’t bore you with who played with who, captained by whom etc… But
interestingly the first day of games saw two sets of Kibworth players up
against each other. When Aamir saw that he was up against Spiro he
bragged;
“I will smash Spiro, you will see.”
And he did exactly that. He
arrived back at the apartments that night with a big smile on his face and just
held his hands up as if to acknowledge the achievement. And everyone else was
so pleased for him apart from the Tour Rep of course. He struck him for a
couple of straight 6’s and generally tucked into him. After a bit more
investigation though, it seemed as though he got a bit lucky. Spiro had the
rotund ‘Dawse’ (an English club player who had paid for the privilege to play
alongside greats such as Gladstone Small, Mark Ramprakash, and………..Broughts)
fielding at long on and his initial reaction when the ball was struck in his
direction was to move the opposite way. With a bit of luck the ball would hold
up in the long grass which meant he could run up and pick the ball up
(unfortunately by that time the batsman had ran 2 or 4 – obviously an even
number with Aamir on strike) and throw it in, but when the ball was hit on the
full he waved it through for 4 or 6. You can all picture Spiro’s reaction;
hands on hips, half a grimace, half a smile, dying to move someone else out
there but reluctant to hurt Dawse’s feelings by doing so. Spiro had obviously
got to know Dawse well enough to not worry about hurting his feelings by the
time the presentation dinner came around a week later. It was a help yourself
sort of affair and after seeing Dawse walk away with a plateful with others
were still queuing, Spiro shouted;
“I hope you’ve left some
for the rest of us Dawse!”
Other noteworthy mentions
from this game involved Johnny Hanger. Johnny walked out to bat full of the
joys of spring. The night before he had been drinking free alcohol, his family
were loving the Bajan way of life and he was walking out wearing someone else’s
kit (actually the last point could apply to any Saturday in the summer!). Life
doesn’t get much better than this, he thought to himself. He was soon thinking
something else when he got some chin music first up. After getting struck on
the gloves in front of his face 3rd ball he thought he’d play some shots.
However at the other end was that man Aamir who managed to snare him before
giving him the ‘you can’t see me’ celebration made famous by Fidel Edwards (and
a wrestler apparently but I don’t watch that rubbish). Even though I was
involved in that game I cannot remember a great deal of the details. Only that
Biffa, Aamir, Sunny and Thommo’s team won. Elsewhere
By this stage days and
nights were flying by and it’s therefore more difficult to keep things
chronological. I am sure some smart arse like Spiro or Pedro will point out
some minor error in the following so I apologize in advance. Now you’ve all
heard of Harborough Lights and the Boatyard, well that’s where the youth went.
Us olduns, who either had children to look after or couldn’t hack the pace,
ended up going to Hanger Lights or the Biffyard. ie. Music blaring from the
apartment while as much rum is drank outside the apartment as possible. This
meant that all children were accounted for and safe and a nightclub experience
could, almost, still be had. A few nights were utter carnage and they normally
followed any Cockspur funded night because everyone returned home at 11ish and
they were already ratted. Highlights includes :-
Abbo literally falling over drunk…….3 times in one night. And we’re not talking
about tripping over something else, his legs literally gave
way.
Sharon Cobb dancing with the security guard because he had come over to ask if
the moo-sic could be turned down as people in the real Harborough Lights
couldn’t hear the music there.
John Hanger being so wasted that he went to bed early and crashed out in just
his boxers even though others were walking through to go to the toilet.
Photographic evidence does exist.
Jo Hanger being so smashed that she appeared the next morning still wearing her
going out clothes.
Drinking games being a lot more difficult than they should be after 4 bottles
of Cockspur Rum.
The captain coming home drunk one night but leaving his door unlocked which
meant he was thrown in the pool and de-bagged.
The weather for the start
of week was awesome and beyond everyone’s expectations considering the
‘hurricane season’ banter that was flying around before we left. However,
toward the end of the first week this took a turn for the worse and from
Thursday afternoon until Sunday morning there was not much sunshine……..and a
lot of rain. Everyone was down in the dumps, no one was happy. But of course as
soon as the sun came out on Sunday it was “too hot” and “where the clouds.”
Typical English abroad. Never happy. As everyone wiled away the hours reading
books (Big Pete, Pedro’s Dad, even started reading and he normally goes no
further than the TV guide and Farmers weekly) and surfing tinternet a brilliant
double act within the group emerged. Aamir and Barry. Or Aamir and Mr Barry (as
that’s what Aamir called him) as they became known. Hardly knowing each other
when they were first paired together in the same apartment they became
inseparable. Mr Barry took Aamir under his wing and they went running,
swimming, and snorkelling together. Considering that Aamir didn’t even like
swimming before he got there this was actually a pretty good achievement by Mr
Barry. Everyone wanted to know what they were up to as it seemed as though
there was never a dull moment. I cannot relay all the stories but I can tell
you about a couple…
When Mr Barry returned from
a night playing shots at the Piano Bar he found Aamir tucked up in bed
visualizing how he was going to take apart the next left arm spinner the
following day. As Mr Barry was knocking around the apartment Aamir thought it a
fair request to ask Mr Barry to make him a cup of tea. Being the best mate that
he had become, Mr Barry had no issue with this request and duly made one for
himself and one for Aamir but Aamir wasn’t finished yet;
“Mr Barry, are there any
biscuits that I can have with my tea,” Aamir politely asked.
Off My Barry trotted to have a look but it wasn’t good news (I feel like I am
telling a children’s story here!).
“Aamir, unfortunately we only have two biscuits left. One bourbon and one
digestive…..which one would you like?” asked Barry
“Mr Barry, I think I will have both,” Aamir replied.
Shell-shocked, but also amused, Mr Barry gave over both of the biscuits and had
to go without himself.
The middle Saturday was supposed to be a horse racing day but it did not
actually materialize because the meet was held every fortnight and it was
unfortunately held the previous week. Before we knew this everyone was keen and
the word had gone round to try and work out who wanted to go. Mr Barry decided
to quiz Aamir;
“Aamir, do you fancy a bit of horse racing on Saturday?”
“Oh no no no,” replied Aamir with a shocked expression on his face.
“Why not? It will be a bit of fun,” asked Mr Barry.
“I am scared of horses,” said Aamir.
“What is there to be scared about Aamir, they cannot hurt you,” argued Mr
Barry.
“Oh I think they can and besides I don’t know how to ride a horse, I have never
done it before.”
Classic!
That’s enough on those two
now. Any more and it will seem as though I am picking on Aamir. I hope it
doesn’t come across that way because he was the star of the tour and had us
laughing the whole time. Talking of laughing brings me conveniently onto the
pro’s who were out there with us and top of the list is Tuffers. Since I have
got back the most asked question has been, “what was Tuffers like?” or “any
gossip on Tuffers?” Well he didn’t disappoint for one minute. If you saw him during
the day he still looked rough from the night before and if you saw him at night
he was busy making sure he would look rough again the next day. A few of the
party got all giddy at the sight of him and one in particular portrayed a 16
year old girl who the Beatles had come round to her home for tea. I don’t want
to mention any names but she is the wife of a classy opening batsman. A few
stories were doing the rounds about him but it might be in poor taste to tell
them all. I will tell one though. The second Wednesday was the day of the Pro’s
v Barbados XI at North Star. Josh was included and Sunny had done well enough
in the previous two games to get himself in as well. As the bus departed at
1015 there was no sign of Tuffers and word was that he was going to make his
own way there. It turned out that he had been out until 6am that morning and
had overslept. Realizing his mistake he booked a taxi and decided to travel in
his whites so he could go straight onto the field of play when he got there.
Only one problem; the game was a traditional Twenty20 game with a white ball
and……………….coloured clothing!!!!!!
Other pro’s included Mark
Ramprakash, Darren Stevens, Gladstone Small, Steve Marsh, Steve Rhodes, Chris
Silverwood, and Tim Munton. They all mixed well and were generally good banter.
Everyone obviously wanted a piece of Ramps but unfortunately there was a wall
put up in front of him. I don’t mean he was a bit singular and stand-offish
like the rumours suggest, I mean Sunny’s Mum, Shiela. Now if you think the
aforementioned lady was happy to see Tuffers in the flesh well Shiela’s
reaction to seeing Ramps was like a 16 year old girl having John, Paul, Ringo
and the other one stay at her house for a sleepover. At Fred Rumsey’s birthday
party she followed him around everywhere. She posed in numerous photos both as
the centre piece and the periphery. In fact I daresay there will be plenty of
folks, who were not in the KCC party, going through their photos since they got
back and wondering who the lady is hanging around ominously in the background
of their photo with Ramps. Shiela even managed to get a signed shirt off the
great man.
One of the highlights on
the 2004 trip, for those who managed to make the second week, was the Catamaran
trip. The Tour Rep duly got this sorted early doors and we set sail on the
second Thursday for what promised to be a great day. Some were keen to see the
Island from afar and others were looking forward to the snorkelling around the
reefs and ship wrecks. I am not sure which category you would put Abbo in here
because he had ordered his first Banks before everyone was actually aboard! The
captain, Chad, was a legend and many of his jokes were too subtle for the
majority of his audience. While on the way to the ship wreck he announced that
we were on the way to his ‘last boat.’ At first everyone smiled un-knowingly
but some 5 seconds later there were a few unsettled looks at each other. The
day did not disappoint and everyone loved it. Swimming with turtles, seeing the
large fish (which despite us being told were not sharks still led to Leanne
getting out of the water as soon as she saw one), and swimming in and around
the fish near the reef were all highlights. I am not sure Aamir looked back so
fondly though because when we first dived into the water Mr Barry gave his toe
a playful tug and Aamir thought he was under attack. Weird noises, arms and
legs thrashing frantically, the lot. I think it’s fair to say he did not see
the funny side of Mr Barry’s prank.
Once we had done the stops
we had some food and the silly diving into the water commenced. As much as
everyone tried to look cool and do some sort of flip, it wasn’t happening. Josh
and Broughts, in particular, would continually run and jump with an image of
what was supposed to happen in their brain (I know, I know) but the result was
very different. But also very funny so we cannot complain too much. Out of no
where Reno stepped up and won the Gold with a very impressive sumersault. Cobby
snr also showed that his son’s un-coordinated efforts must have come from
Sharon’s side of the family as he managed a back flip. Biffa tried a sumersault
but landed a painful looking back-flop! The icing on the cake though was Abbo.
He couldn’t actually run and jump in because he had hurt his knee bombing Spiro
in the pool earlier in the week so he simply stood on the edge of the catamaran
with his back to the water and slowly fell back. As we all shouted
‘Timmmmmmmbeeerrrrrrrrr’ this was drowned out by a massive splash and that was
the diving fun finished with because there was no water left for us to dive
into! Question for you; If Abbo falls backwards into the water and there is no
one around to hear, does he still make a noise? HELL YES he does.
By this stage the cricket
was over thankfully and none of the KCC sides had progressed to the finals day.
That was actually a blessing because if we had we wouldn’t have been able to do
the Catamaran trip. Both sides in the final were made up of Bromley players and
they generally took it pretty seriously. No drama there, fair play to them.
They may have won at Lords and got to the final of the Rumsey Pro-Am but did
they manage 28 header keepy-ups in the pool? I think not and I am sure you will
agree that we were the real winners! This turned into an addiction for most of
the men on tour. Every day around late afternoon a few would start trying it
and before long everyone had dived in and were apart of it. For most of the
trip 17 was our record and it was killing us. Every time we got to double
figures the out loud counting would begin and someone would choke. Biffa, for
someone with a cool head, was at fault too often for my liking as well. After
days of being stuck on 17 we all entered the pool on the last day determined to
beat it. After a few hours as the wrinkles turned into more wrinkles we
suddenly achieved 22 and you haven’t seen celebrations like it since Reno
struck the ball over midwicket toward the short boundary on September 7th,
2004. We went skitz! And who says these things cannot be re-lived because 10
minutes later we got 28. The celebrations caused a mini tidal wave this time.
Awesome.
That’s more or less it I
guess. I am sure I have forgotten some things and I am sure I have bored you
with other things. I am also sure I have written too much (5,750 words!) but at
least it would have helped fill a few lunch breaks at work. The only real thing
left to do is to thank everyone involved and especially Spiro, the Tour Rep.
Incidentally we did this on the last night because it was not easy trying to
co-ordinate 40 people which included Josh and Ferrars. He had a bit of a moan
now and then and didn’t take too kindly to be called the Tour Rep but he loved
it really. In fact he did such a good job of it that a couple who won a prize
through Rumsey Travel and arrived in the middle of the first week actually
approached him and started asking him questions about what activities were on
offer. After Spiro asked why they were asking him they replied, “We thought you
were the tour rep.” Luckily that conversation was over heard so it could be
re-told now! Anyway back to the thanking Spiro. We got Josh to get a signed
shirt off Tuffers and also purchased some top drawer Cockspur Rum which Mark
Ramprakash signed for us. Pedro performed the presentation and to everyone’s
surprise Spiro said that if we ever got back there again he would organize it
again! I only hope he lives to regret that statement.
Finally, a word of caution
for any of you who decide to visit Barbados in the future. I know that the
Bajans are laid back and they do not appear to care too much about the trivial
things in life but when it comes to Airport security they are going to pick you
up on stuff. So do not put any liquids in your hand luggage because they will
take it off you. If you need to verify this with anyone please speak to the
Tour Rep because he can vouch for the fact after he lost his 21 year old
Cockspur Rum while going through security. SCHOOLBOY ERROR!